There is nothing in this world more difficult than a decision which will decide the course of your life from this moment forth. If that sounds a little dramatic, I’ll append that sentence with the disclaimer that of course in future years this decision may not seem as important or complicated as it did in the moment, but it is the moment we are now discussing.
I’m going to speak from experience because the position I find myself in life is a position that many people will/have/do find themselves in. Yes ladies and gentlemen that all important decision of what will I do with my life. What will make me happy and excited to get up in the morning. I’m fortunate that I have this choice, of this I am aware. I have had the opportunity to go to a good university for three years and complete (nearly there) an Arts degree in English and History. `But now as post grad deadlines loom I am asked by society to choose. Chose a path, choose a life, choose a career. Believe me I know it’s about bloody time I get my act together and give back to society but the context in which I want to do this is a blur to me.
I have thought about this in the past. I haven’t just waited until the deadlines came to panic and rant at the void. But maybe I’ve changed my mind slightly or let enough doubt into my decision that I am not comfortable with it being set in stone anymore. I’m not sure and I don’t know quite what to do about that, as I always thought I would one day have an epiphany and land on the job I wanted. But to no avail this has not come. I thought it had twice in the last three years of undergraduate bliss. Both were different jobs. The latest would lead me to a life of uncertainty for the rest of my days. Blagging from one job to the next or immigrating which many people do and I have in the past (for a short time, knew I was coming back though) but I frankly don’t have the cahonas for it anymore. Shoot me I like my mother’s company.
It’s not a question either of being good at something. Anyone can trick the system. I get good grades, for me that doesn’t mean that I’m cut out for a career. It should, but it doesn’t. Trust issues with myself – great, add it to the list. Regret is my biggest fear in life…I think. I don’t want to deny myself an opportunity to be excited, do something new, inspire myself and others. Which path should I take however? What if I don’t know? Because I don’t think I do.